Welcome to May 28, 2026, a day where the global financial markets are behaving less like a sophisticated machine and more like a cat chasing a laser pointer held by a man in a very long red tie. If you thought the “stability” of the mid-2020s was here to stay, the latest flurry of Truth Social posts and Cabinet-room proclamations has arrived to remind you that volatility is the only true asset class. From copper squeezes to threats of kinetic diplomacy in the Middle East, the “Trump Effect” is currently operating at a localized maximum, leaving analysts at Goldman Sachs and JPMorgan Chase reaching for the extra-strength aspirin.
The Copper Squeeze: When “Tariff Man” Meets Reality
In a move that surprised absolutely no one who has been paying attention for the last decade, Donald Trump has once again embraced his “Tariff Man” persona, this time setting his sights on the red metal. The announcement of fresh copper tariffs has sent the global commodities market into a predictable tailspin. Inside Revere Copper Products, the mood is likely a mix of patriotic fervor and logistical dread as the “Giant Tariff Trade” returns to squeeze global supplies. In pre-market trading, copper futures spiked 3.4%, while major players like FCX (+4.2%) saw immediate volume spikes as traders scrambled to price in the new reality of “America First” plumbing.
The irony, of course, is that while the administration is busy erecting new trade barriers, the US Customs and Border Protection is simultaneously working through the administrative nightmare of processing $20.6 billion in importer tariff refunds. This comes after the Supreme Court—in a rare moment of fiscal sobriety—struck down previous tariff rounds. It is a beautiful, circular economy: the government collects billions in tariffs, the court says “return to sender,” and the administration immediately announces a new 50% tariff on EU exports and Canadian aircraft. It is the financial equivalent of trying to fill a bucket with a hole in the bottom by using a fire hose. BA (-1.8%) and AIR (European-listed) are feeling the heat, especially as Mark Carney and the Canadian government signaled they would rather buy European surveillance planes than deal with the 50% “Trump Tax” on American-made options.
Geopolitics by Adjective: The Oman-Iran Paradox
If you find the Strait of Hormuz confusing, you aren’t alone. On Wednesday, President Trump managed to simultaneously announce an “immediate opening” of the Strait via a breakthrough deal with Tehran and threaten to “blow up” Oman if they dared to interfere. It is a bold diplomatic strategy: “We have a deal, but if you touch the thermostat, I’ll level the house.” The markets, ever the optimists, chose to focus on the “deal” part of the equation—at least for the first twenty minutes. Crude oil prices dropped 2.3% on the news of the Hormuz opening, providing a brief respite for the DOW, which inched toward yet another record high of 44,200.
However, the threat to “blow up” a strategic US partner like Oman—delivered with the casual air of someone ordering a Diet Coke—sent defense tickers like LMT (+1.1%) and RTX (+0.9%) on a mini-rally. Analysts are currently trying to determine if “blowing up” a country constitutes a formal policy shift or merely a colorful rhetorical flourish. Meanwhile, the S&P 500 remains trapped in a state of “observational snark,” with traders matter-of-factly quoting the President’s claim that Iran has been “totally obliterated, militarily and otherwise,” despite the ongoing need for a peace deal. It’s a classic “Mission Accomplished” vibe, just with more capital letters and fewer aircraft carriers.
Crypto’s “Future-Proof” Savior and the Prediction Market “Scum”
Over on Truth Social, the President has been busy “future-proofing” the digital asset world. In a series of posts that likely caused SEC Chairman Gary Gensler to consider an early retirement in a non-extradition country, Trump pledged to codify a digital asset market structure that “cannot be undone.” The promise of an “irreversible” legislative shield for crypto has sent Bitcoin miners into a vertical ascent. CIFR (+12.4%) and HUT (+10.8%) are hitting fresh highs as the “miner-to-AI” boom gets a second wind from the White House.
The President also took a moment to defend prediction markets, describing them as a “new form of Financial Market” and warning “scum” (a technical term, presumably) not to interfere with the CFTC’s exclusive jurisdiction over them. This comes as Gemini and other exchanges navigate a shifting regulatory landscape where a $5 million settlement can be undone as quickly as it was signed. The message to the NASDAQ and other traditional exchanges is clear: the new “rules of the road” are being written in 280-character bursts, and if you aren’t a “total winner” like Byron Donalds, you might just be in the way of progress.
Perfect Health and SpaceX Euphoria
To cap off a week of market-moving rhetoric, the President shared the results of a medical checkup at Walter Reed, signaling “PERFECT” health. While the medical community might debate the clinical definition of “perfect,” the stock market took it as a sign of continued policy continuity (or continued policy chaos, depending on which side of the trade you’re on). This “perfect” health update coincided with a surge in rocket and satellite stocks, fueled by the ongoing euphoria surrounding the SpaceX IPO. Even as the S&P 500 hits new highs, the sheer gravitational pull of the Trump news cycle ensures that no ticker is safe from an off-the-cuff remark.
Even Nvidia‘s Jensen Huang is getting in on the geopolitical action, joining the advisory board of Tsinghua University in China. It’s a delicate dance: NVDA (+0.5%) is trying to maintain ties with Beijing while the administration threatens “epic fury 2.0” and rare earth retaliation. It is a testament to the resilience of American capitalism that Nvidia can still find a way to grow while the President is busy debating whether or not to let China take Iran‘s enriched uranium.
In summary, the market remains a reflection of its primary mover: loud, contradictory, and surprisingly resilient. As we look toward the end of the week, investors are advised to keep one eye on the Bloomberg terminal and the other on Truth Social. After all, in an economy where the President can move the NASDAQ by celebrating the end of a late-night talk show, the only thing you can truly bank on is that tomorrow will be even weirder than today.
DISCLAIMER: We read Trump’s posts so you don’t have to. This is comedy meets market data, not financial advice. Not political advice either – we just like charts and chaos.
Elana Harper is a seasoned financial editor and market analyst with over a decade of experience covering global equities, economic trends, and corporate earnings. Known for her sharp insights, Elana specializes in making complex financial topics accessible to a broad audience. She now serves as the Senior Financial Editor at Stock Market Watch, where she oversees daily market coverage and political commentary.